As the great Vince Lombardi, once said “winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing…” For better or for worse, as a hyper-competitive individual who had to win everything, whether it was beating my mom at playing Chutes and Ladders or Candyland when I was 4 years old or playing up a couple levels in hockey to compete with my brother who was five years older than I was, I’ve always had an insatiable need to win. Winning has always an expectation of mine and I’ve carried that mindset into my practice as a divorce lawyer for the last 33 years.
Having “won” many trials as a litigation attorney in my decades of practice, I came to realize that even when we crushed it for a client, often times clients did not perceive the outcome as a win nor understand what the win was, even after explaining the possible outcomes versus the result. More notably, during the process of a high conflict, contentious divorce, I realized more and more that clients measured win and losses on temporary matters that were largely insignificant to the bigger picture, final outcome, and often times had feelings of loss simply because the client believed the other party would be happy with whatever that temporary decision was, even if it ultimately was reached through a negotiated agreement.
As a result of the psychological scorecard litigants often keep in divorce, I realized the more opportunities for those small, and sometimes relatively insignificant battles throughout a divorce, simply lends itself to one-upmanship where one client feels they now have to get a win over the other and the net result is that it perpetuates further litigation, additional legal fees, greater stress, and anxiety on the family, and ultimately a greater loss in the end.
Fundamentally, what I believe through my experience, is that the only “win” in divorce, is to get through the very painful and difficult process as quickly and efficiently as possible, while securing the most favorable outcome under the constraints of the laws within the jurisdiction of any given case. Everything else is mitigation of loss because you are splitting time with children, dividing assets, and relocating income, all of which is a reduction from what life was leading up to the divorce. When the divorce is final, the true victory is your freedom, autonomy, independence, and regaining your strength and control over your own life. Sometimes, this renewal requires the help of a mental health professional, financial advisors, physical trainers, estate planning lawyers, or faith communities even after the divorce, but the “wins” are the vast positive opportunities that lie ahead for you, even as daunting or challenging as they may be.
If you are in a divorce or contemplating a divorce, one of the most important things you can do is find the right divorce attorney with the right vision and experience to help you achieve your goals, not only through throughout the divorce process, but more importantly, in your life after divorce.
James M. Quigley, Equity Partner
For more on Mr. Quigley, please visit:
https://beermannlaw.com/team/james-m-quigley/.
