Why Parents Shouldn’t Involve Their Children in Divorce Disputes

It should go without saying that children should not be involved or put in the middle of their parents’ divorce. Seems obvious, right?  However, time and time again, parents consistently involve their children and use them as intermediaries to mediate their disputes. Although it may be impossible to eliminate all the stress children experience while their parents are divorcing, parents should, at a minimum, leave their children, whether minors or adults, out of their divorce disputes.

Allowing minor children to witness and become involved in their parents’ divorce disputes has been called “the single greatest risk to children of divorce.” [1] Children are likely to experience stress when their parents involve them in ongoing disputes, pressure them to take sides, and compete with one another for their children’s affection. [2] Studies have shown that observing parental conflict affects children not only in the moment but can also affect them for the rest of their lives. [3] Children that witness their parents’ hostility toward one another tend to experience depression, anxiety, obsessive worry, difficulty concentrating and staying focused, and difficulty regulating their emotions. [4] They may also experience aggressiveness, anger, academic difficulties, poor peer relationships, resentment of authority, inability to adapt to new situations, sexual acting out, and drug and alcohol use. [5] These conditions and behaviors may continue into adulthood and affect their ability to cope with difficulties as an adult. [6]

Involving minor children in divorce disputes can also negatively impact the children’s relationship with either or both parents. Most children desire to have a close relationship with both of their parents, and thus they will attempt to mediate their parents’ disputes. [7] Children struggle with conflicts of loyalty when their parents ask them to carry hostile messages to the other parent, denigrate the other parent in the children’s presence, and prohibit the mentioning of the other parent in their presence. [8] In response, children are less likely to have a close relationship with, and may refuse to visit, either the denigrating or the denigrated parent after separation. [9]

Authors Paul R. Amato and Tamara D. Afifi, in their article titled “Feeling Caught between Parents: Adult Children’s Relations with Parents and Subjective Well-Being,” studied children feeling caught between their parents and how feeling caught in the middle impacted their relationship with their parents that were in either (1) high-conflict marriages, (3) low-conflict marriages, or (3) divorced. [10] Amato and Afifi found that in all three scenarios, when children feel caught between their parents they tend to react in one of three ways. First, the children may try to maintain a positive relationship with both of their parents. [11] However, in doing so, they may develop a “psychological dilemma” in which by trying to maintain a positive relationship with both parents that have mutual negative feelings towards one another, the children may feel simultaneously both loyal and disloyal to both parents. [12] Second, the children may form an alliance with one parent against the other parent. [13] However, in doing so, the children are likely to become a confidant of the parent they aligned with, and the aligned parent is likely to share inappropriate information with the children that should otherwise be shared with adults or a therapist. [14] Lastly, in response to being caught between both parents, the children may decide to reject both parents and simply cut all ties of communication. [15] Although this solves the issue of being stuck in the middle, the result is a loss of a meaningful relationship with both parents. [16] Thus, Amato and Afifi’s findings indicate that no matter which route the children choose subsequent to being put in the middle, all routes have negative consequences that result in adding stress to the children’s lives.

Multiple studies suggest that a “good divorce” will ultimately benefit both the parents and the children. The Good Divorce Theory defines a good divorce as “one in which both the adults and the children emerge at least as emotionally well as they were before the divorce.” [17] A “good divorce” results in a post-divorce family that functions similarly to an intact family, where the parties can parent competently, where the children are close with both parents, and where the parents coordinate activities to promote the children’s best interests. [18] Thus, in a good divorce, the children benefit from parents that communicate regularly, maintain similar household rules, and support the other parent’s authority. [19] Conversely, children suffer when parents argue frequently, have inconsistent household rules, and undermine one another’s authority. [20]

However, authors Paul R. Amato, Jennifer B. Krane, and Spencer James in their article titled “Reconsidering the ‘Good Divorce,’” suggest that the Stress Theory may provide a more persuasive reasoning than the Good Divorce Theory for why children generally experience stress during their parents’ divorce. The Stress Theory argues that multiple changes within a short time frame can have adverse effects on children’s mental and physical well-being. [21] The multiple changes that children experience in a short amount of time during their parents’ divorce can include “the departure of one parent from the household, a decline in standard of living, moving to a new residence and neighborhood, giving up pets, changing schools, losing contact with friends and classmates, dealing with parents’ new romantic partners or spouses, [and] living with step or half siblings.” [22] Thus, the Stress Theory argues that good parenting and co-parenting only go so far, and that children that experience a “good divorce” will benefit in some respects but will still experience the above-stated stresses that other children experience outside of a “good divorce.” [23]

Regardless of whether the Good Divorce Theory or the Stress Theory is more persuasive in explaining how and why children experience stress during their parents’ divorce, involving the children in divorce disputes undoubtedly causes the children stress and that is likely to affect their physical, mental, and emotional well being in both the short term and long term. Thus, the question remains, how can parents in a high-conflict divorce settle disputes without involving their children?

Although it may be tempting at times, parents should not speak negatively about their spouse in the presence of the children. [24] They should resist the urge to disparage, degrade, or air dirty laundry in front of their children, and should not allow other family members, new significant others, or friends to do the same. [25] Furthermore, if a parent wants information from the other parent, they should consult them directly rather than pumping their children for information. [26] Using children as spies or intermediaries only causes them to feel ill at ease, guilty, and stressed. [27] Furthermore, parents should explain to their children that each parent may have different rules at their house, and that each parent’s rules should be followed when the children are at that parent’s house. [28] When one parent suggests that the other parent’s rules are wrong or shouldn’t be followed, that parent is enabling the children to pit the parents against one another. [29] Lastly, parents should only share the basic facts of the divorce, or only what is reasonably necessary, with the children. [30] While it may be tempting to tell children that the other parent had an affair, has a substance abuse problem, or is guilty of any other bad behavior, this information only hurts children, and it is not in their best interest for them to be aware of the intimate details of their parents’ divorce. [31]

Therefore, although it may be impossible to remove all stressors that affect children during their parents’ divorce, parents should make it their top priority to leave the children out of their disputes. Their children are likely having a difficult time as it is adjusting to the many changes that come with divorce, so why increase the risk to their physical, mental, and emotional well-being by putting them directly in the middle of high-conflict disputes?

Thomas T. Field, Partner

For more information on Mr. Field, please visit: www.beermannlaw.com/team/thomas-t-field.